THE FORGOTTEN KISS

It is somewhat peculiar how sudden unexpected events can bring but a feeling you have lost but now regained, but did not want to.

I was walking around an old lake I used to know with my brother, nephew and niece. We were out on a nature hunt and I had with me my new Nikon P520 I got from Argos but getting over the upset and torture of having been sold three faulty cameras from Argos since February.

I had been upset and quietly angry about this as my efforts to make my own career and money have had a whole summer of opportunities wiped out and all I have had is a few apologies to make it all OK. Well that was after the second camera broke down.

SO there I was on this woodland path and knowing where I was heading but other than that there were no other thoughts that fluttered through my brain. I even reached the lake and remembered Coarse Fishing on it. I turned to walk to the right and after a few minutes a sudden flash across the memory cells that is my reactive mind and an image appeared.

Suddenly I was feeling some emotions while remembering feelings as my mind reminded me of the very last time I was there. A time long since dowsed in water and sunken into the depths and locked away in a large box.

But what was the image I hear you ask? Yes what was the image indeed. The image that slowly flowed into my mind was that of a woman sitting next to me on a bench facing the lake and only 100 metres away. That day it was deserted and the sun would have periods of freedom and rays would move across the two of us and then the water bathing us in warmth.

I was feeling nervous and I could see it on my partner but we had travelled there together and for the same reason. She had a wry but nervous smile and it was part of a character of a woman I was so deeply in love with. A woman I was waiting to embrace and who herself was awaiting something from me.

It is something I have not thought about for a long time and not given to anyone for a much longer time which must now approach a decade. But the feeling suddenly came rushing back through every fibre of my being and I suddenly felt the hairs on my arm stand on end as goosebumps formed upon my forearms. Something so tender and suddenly so missing from my life for such a long time as I really have difficulties with trusting as well as feelings of burdening.

What was it I gave away that day and have missed for a decade?

Why it was the most tender of kisses.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with an aching and longing for something that does not exist. I suddenly felt kind of sad inside for what is obvious to me today just never meant to be.

My life has had the chance of being a father ripped from it by the government and public offices, so has being a husband and I never married. These things are taken for granted and even used and abused by so many but secretly to me are the most precious of feelings that have been kept beyond my grasp.

A loving filled life always seemed ever so slightly out of reach and now I watch as it elevates away at ever higher heights. I sighed just then at the thought of what never came to be or was abused by those I trusted. The long since social system that still persists only ever provided the hard end of a steel boot to my nether regions and then trampled on all else until all that remained was earth and dust.

But the feeling kept reverberating within my soul and that closing of the space between us as we nervously leant in ever so slowly until our lips met and our arms wrapped around each other for a tight embrace. I loved her so very much and now she was in my arms and our lips become one. It felt like heaven had opened its doors to me and bathed me in a warm glow.

That was 12 years ago and I have remained single for ten years for a whole list of reasons.

Today I felt down and inside my soul cried in pain for the emptiness that is the LAST TEN YEARS!

Ten years I have slowly spent building up to attack those that first cost me so much and then to those I loved. Ten years of finding out what terrors and horrors befell my daughter in the life I tried to prevent for her.

Ten years of loneliness I kept locked away inside for so very long while talking to women and pushing them away. Ten years of hoping that someone would fight for me and strive to reach me and grab me tight. Someone to change my life from the mundane battles I have so regularly that will all be over so very, VERY soon!

Ten years is a long time for anyone. It seems more like twenty to me. I am striving so very hard to attempt to change the course of the NEXT TEN YEARS?!?!

I do not want to miss that love, affection and a kiss any longer.

My fingers are secretly crossed!